growing older

when I was a young girl/woman, I thought I knew all of the answers to life's biggest questions: why are we here? Is there a god? What is love? What is happiness? Will I ever be happy? Is there a point  in living? Who am I? And so many other existential questions.. What I have discovered is that not only have my perceptions changed but the realization that these questions cannot be answered with pat answers nor do I even have the answers to these questions universally but only for myself and the answers change with every passing day and the events that happen during the course of a single day. Some bring epiphanies, others only new questions to ponder late at night when it feels like I am the only soul awake.

today I seek other opinions and actually listen, especially to those people older and wiser- the very ones whose answers I once ignored due to their  "antiquated" notions. I have come to realize there is no substitution for wisdom born of experience. Of course there are always exceptions to every rule. I would not look to people like my father whose life has only devolved into hatred and closemindedness. I look at him and see a life wasted-through fear and self-hatred that he projects upon anyone different from him- liberals,blacks,gays,women and any other group he deems objectionable.

I have learned that one cannot choose or change the family into which you are born and sometimes, sadly, at some point, you must give  up or let go of expectations that they will ever open their hearts or minds. God knows I tried most of my life to accept him and love him despite his obvious disdain and lack of respect and dare I say, love for me. Its been a heartbreaking journey but one I had to travel in order to learn this most valuable lesson and accept the fact that there will likely be no reconciliation before one of us dies. Yet I am so grateful that I had a mother who seemed to love and respect every human being, even when others could not. From her, I learned acceptance, grace and above all, the ability to forgive. I learned that hatred only harms one's self and not the object upon which our hatred is directed. Despite the extreme abuse visited upon her by my father, she left him a sampler which read "to err is human' to forgive, divine". This is the gift she left me.

i have deviated far from the topic I planned to write on but it is very late and I must get to bed. Hopefully, I will return to the topic which I wished to explore. Until then, I wish you a good night and the radical concept that it is possible to forgive anyone or anything in order to grow as human beings and take our experiences to use as gifts to teach us that hate consumes but love conquers...